Many marriages are going through secret frustrations and the oil of joy that normally flows is no more there.
A lot of young and single people are also facing frustrations because they have broken the rule of purity and giving room for premarital sex but still face frustration and broken relationships because, they deceptively equated sex for intimacy.
A lot of couple live together as roommates and not soul mates; bedmates and not soulmate because intimacy is either dead or lacking in their union. Intimacy is better explained or illustrated than defined, but one thing is very vital, it has to be consciously cultivated or activated or else, it will not be in place.
There are three dimensions to intimacy
- Emotional intimacy
- Spiritual intimacy
- Physical/Sexual intimacy
(1) Emotional: – This is the ability to know and be known i.e. being transparent, honest and sincere to your spouse. Without emotional nakedness, physical nakedness is useless. This kind of emotional intimacy comes by couples sharing time together, sharing their experiences e.t.c. It takes time to build but it is worth the time.
(2) Spiritual: – This is the spiritual connection that should exist between couple; however, it is not easy to have spiritual intimacy if there is no emotional intimacy. This intimacy comes by couples praying together, studying the bible together, and going to church together e.t.c.
(3) Sexual/Physical: – Sexual intimacy is the popular aspect of intimacy but intimacy is more than sex. A lot of couples have sexual union without sexual intimacy. In order for two to become one, couples must go beyond mere sexual union to sexual intimacy. It takes emotional and spiritual intimacy being in place for true sexual intimacy to be in place.
After twelve years of marriage, a woman once left her husband for her former lover based on the fact that she has never been able to become truly intimate with her husband. She has a soul tie with her former lover that kept her bound to him and when they met again years after, she found herself longing for him and led to her leaving her husband and abandoning her marriage.
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In order for true intimacy to be in place, couples must consciously develop it, and the following keys are aids to intimacy:
- Focus on the good in your spouse
Nobody is perfect, and whatever you focus on is magnified, so wisdom demands that you focus more on the good side of your spouse. Magnify their strength, diminish their weaknesses and let your heart be at peace with your spouse. When you look at your spouse what do you see?
- Always expect the best from your spouse
What you expect is what you attract, so couples should always have positive expectations of each other. Expect the best from your spouse and you will get the best.
- Create room for surprises
When something becomes a routine, it sometimes opens the door for boredom. Couples should learn to surprise each other on a constant basis.
- Get cards for your spouse in season and out of season.
- Take your spouse out on periodic and surprising dates.
- Buy gifts for each other at important dates, seasons and also at surprising days.
- Write love notes and letters to your spouse at surprising intervals.
- Help and assist your spouse in their jobs, chores, work e.t.c.
When you allow your marriage to be full of pleasant surprises, you will also get surprising result and intimacy.
- Garnish your sex life
Sex among couples is meant to be an enjoyable one and pleasurable exercise. However, it should also be well garnished and spiced up so that it can be what it is meant to be.
- Start the flow and set the mood long before the actual action.
- Dress for the action
- Get the atmosphere in place with proper light and sound.
- Do the right thing before, during and after.
- Thank your spouse at all times for a wonderful and pleasurable flow.
- Keep your communication line open and alive
Communication problem can be a major killer of intimacy among couples. In marriages, nothing is as dangerous as something you both can’t talk about. Freely communicate your feelings, fears, thoughts e.t.c. with your partner without bagging things. This is very vital for intimacy.
If these five keys are used in your marriage, it will help you develop intimacy in your marriage; Intimacy that goes beyond sex. Your spouse is your one and only soulmate; connect with each other for life.
As a practical step to this issue of intimacy, write a surprising love letter to your spouse TODAY and state five things you like about your spouse in the letter.
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Shalom.